my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
