so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
