I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
