i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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