i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
