There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
