Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
