I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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