New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
