I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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