Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
