I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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