I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
