Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
