im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
