I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
