I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize