im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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