i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
