Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
