So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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