My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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