He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
