i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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