I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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