I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i already hear my dad disowning me
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
