There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
