At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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