Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
