It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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