it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
