I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We got so high we made milksteak
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
