I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just gargled with NyQuil
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
