he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
