Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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