You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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