next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just found puke in my bra..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
