Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
