god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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