Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
