I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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