i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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