I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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