I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
