Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
