yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
