he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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