I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize