Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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