We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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