I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
