remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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