I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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