Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
