Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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