The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it's not cheating when I paid for it
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
