I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
